Self-Nurturing Tips for Trying Times
As women we are very good at looking after others, but often to the detriment of ourselves. I notice this particularly with mothers, who would go to any lengths to sort out their children’s issues but find it much harder to focus on their own issues, their own health and wellbeing. Many women struggle to replenish their own well, while bending over backwards to help others. Especially at the moment when we are caught in a home/work/school scenario all happening at the same time. I’m exploring this theme under some different headings that I’ve found relevant:
Boundaries
I had a great conversation recently with a client who was embracing boundaries in a conscious way, for the first time. ‘I always thought of boundaries as something bad,’ she said, ‘something to feel slightly guilty about. I didn’t know what having good boundaries even meant but now I want to find out. I want to respect my boundaries and stop saying yes to things that are draining my energy.’
What a great point to arrive at. Can we draw a line and say no to situations/requests/people that overwhelm us and drain our resources. Can we embrace our boundaries instead of being afraid of them?
Can we prioritise ourselves, and want for ourselves the same growth, learning and support we want for our children? And of course, children follow our lead; they do what they see us do, not what we tell them to do. Creating strong boundaries and knowing when to say NO is essential to surviving and especially to thriving. This is especially relevant now where boundaries are so blurred between work and family and school. It may be that you take a few minutes with a notebook to find one or two simple ways you can support and nourish your boundaries every day.
Imperfection:
Can you love the unfinished, imperfect incompletion of your life and choose self- care over order? During the menstrual cycle in particular, if you still have one, can you make a point of slowing down and letting the other members of the household know that you need some TLC right now?
Nurturing yourself can involve becoming more discerning about your own needs. Figuring out what you need, and when you need it! Sometimes finding time for a quiet meditation is just the ticket while another moment will require something altogether less serene - like a vigorous walk, watching rubbish on TV with a glass of wine, or having a chat with a friend. There’s a time to be sensible and caring and choose the early night but there’s also a time to ditch the sensible voice and indulge in whatever is called for right now. Keeping up with so called ‘healthy choices’ can be just as much pressure if it’s costing you energy and you’re feeling guilty if you don’t do it. So give yourself a break and make the most of imperfection.
Delegation:
If someone else can do it, it’s always worth the time teaching them how and passing the baton. Whether this is in your work or home life.
In my case I most apply this in the home. When I get overloaded I call a family meeting to share out tasks, create meal plans and allocate age appropriate responsibility. Since lockdowns became a thing, we have a weekly meal plan where the 11 and 13 year olds cook one day a week each. They still need supervision, but the time will come when they won’t and whoever doesn’t cook, cleans up after. I’ve noticed a big change in my mindset and my enthusiasm since we began sharing more of the household tasks. I also set a timer for an everybody on board cleaning session whenever things get too much and we work together until progress has been made. In that sense, I’ve really noticed that the old phrase ‘many hands make light work’ is absolutely true. Of course there are times when I choose to do it myself because it’s less hassle and requires less direction – but watch yourself with this – be careful of resentment and storing grudges, don’t choose to do it yourself then complain afterwards! Every home is different and different stages apply but when you sit back and reflect there will be ways you can take back time and energy by asking for help or lightening your load in other ways.
More and more I find myself saying things like:
Out of respect for myself I’m choosing to…
Or I have too much respect for myself to…
Finish the sentences with your own words and try them out…
Now, I invite you to think of three things that really replenish your well or light your fire…
Simple achievable things like a hot bath, precious time spent outdoors, a good comedy, a favourite podcast, a connection with a friend or a good book…
How are you going to ensure that your well doesn’t run dry? Out of respect for yourself, is it possible to include more of these things and less of the ones that drag you down? Quite often it’s with the little adjustments and changes that we can find more nourishment, and bigger changes will grow from the little ones.
Here are some books I’m enjoying at the moment that also relate to this theme:
If women rose rooted – Sharon Blackie
The gifts of imperfection – Brené Brown
X xx Siobhán
